When I look at things from a clear perspective I remember that all that holds me back is infused by the power of my mind within my physical being. Even beginning to write had been kept behind a glass wall of preconceived judgment and a blocked vision. But once I released everything that I knew was Alexandrea before... Once I saw that I no longer had to be owned by what I once was, or even by what others saw me as, I understood I had the capability to be whatever I finally wanted to be. That then turned into understanding I can say what I knew I needed to say. Even if it wasn't for myself or even if it was just for myself...I had to get past the part of me holding on so tightly.
When I was in New York City it was all about image. What image you are projecting. What images you are fighting for. I got so caught up in the image I forgot that an image is just a projection that the physical mind perceives. It holds fast within our visual cortex and then gets implanted into our brain where we make judgments based off it. Observations. Then I tried something else.
When beginning my mediation and awareness practices I began to focus in. Not on what I saw, but what I felt. What nuances I could feel with energy and vibrations. All of a sudden it stopped being about me. About what I saw myself as. It began to be what I felt around me, what I found and felt within me. They were the same. When I would challenge myself to look past and focus in on the energy and the stillness that pulsed in me. It was ever present, in any environment, in any presence of another. It was unique in the sense of peace.
I began to release myself from the ideology I had grown up thinking with. I began to embrace the things I always felt in my gut, but always pushed away. I began to look in the mirror and see not an ultimatum. Not an aging aspect of life that is a time capsule of thought, but rather a vessel for an energy, that though it may pass on, will spread. Energy can not be created or destroyed. It can merely be transferred. And so I saw myself as the humble thing I needed to be. Energy. Just as valuable as the dog next to me now. Or the blade of grass beneath my feet.
Acting school was basically a study in human behavior. How we take action and move forward. And so the years of soul emotional development within music coupled with human observation in acting brought me to a point of full range. I understood my own ability to feel, understand, and control my own actions. I stopped seeing the world as happening to me and began to take an active role in shaping it. Taking actions, forward momentum; that, my friends, is life.
All because I began to breath and look inside myself.
In stillness I began to find better intuition, creativity, a deeper connection with those around me. My ability to observe people and respond to their energy shaped me. I reserved my own judgement towards them, the situation, and myself or at least have been attempting too. And I found nothing but acceptance and light when tapped into this ultimate awareness and therefor love. Strangers became family that I had just never shared a meal with before and I became someone who hugged fearlessly. Understanding the essence and light that comes from a human touch of friendship and understanding. I began to listen and debate with all people from different backgrounds, different ideologies. Attempting to instead of seeing our differences - peeling back the layers to find the truth. I removed fear from myself and I moved. Leaving the place I had always thought I would call home. A place that would feed me with money, fame, adoration. It was all about what the outside world could give to me there. I had lost the music in me I had lost the observation of pure action. The reason I went to NYU to begin with. Now I realized I had to start to see what I could give me.
I found a place of peace, a place of honesty. A safe place inside where I could have blunt conversations with me. And in it I found that a yoga practice was merely a tool. A diet was there to support my body. My passionate feelings towards world issues fed my connection to our species future. My meditation was there to support my own relationship with myself.
At some point in shaping myself to become and image. I lost the idea of who I was. The idea of not what 6 year old me wanted me to be. But where I was right now in this moment. And it turned out the person inside the capsule I had created at such a young age was gone. Leaving someone else entirely.